The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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