hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
