"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
