these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
