I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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