omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
3pm strippers are depressing
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
