I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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