And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
