I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We just shotgunned beers for America
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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