he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
