cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How does one acquire holy water?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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