I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
