Are we in a gay sports bar?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
