I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
