I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
