I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize