i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
