so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
