what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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