I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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