Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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