I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize