I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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