The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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