his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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