dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
