jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
