just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
