I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
