Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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