he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
