i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This is my gift to your gina
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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