maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
