Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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