He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
