Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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