Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize