How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
