Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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