Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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