I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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