so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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