You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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