What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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