What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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