Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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