I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
