with your own penis?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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