Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I did not marry a roomba.
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