the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
