my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
