we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My ass is underappreciated
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
