I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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