I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
