Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
