I cannot find my penis.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
