i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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