I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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