Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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