Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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