Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i was born a porn star she said
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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