There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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