Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
