I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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