don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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