look no pants
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
