Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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