i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
